i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
