She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
