She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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