if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
