On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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