What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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