Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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