You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
