worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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