Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
