i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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