Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Houston, we have a blender
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
