I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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