what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she woke up with a sticky ear
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize