I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
