don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
