Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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