when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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