Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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