i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
