I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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