you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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