"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
