just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
