I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
