Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
