I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
