Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
