My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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