I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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