Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
