If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
