I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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