as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
