Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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