I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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