My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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