how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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