When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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