i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
