I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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