Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
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