You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
