yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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