Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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