6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
