Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hippo gnu deer
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Rumble strips road head = magical
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
