I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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