okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
