it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
