You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
