Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
