Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
