When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
