dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
