why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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