AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Drake has all the answers
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
