I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
